


The Depths of Despair

by Fandom_Stuff



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Despair, Sadness, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:42:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27498886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandom_Stuff/pseuds/Fandom_Stuff
Summary: Dean could feel the vibrations of Sam’s calls through the floor, they’d stop for a second and then restart. He should answer it, he should really answer it. Sam was probably worried he’d died, he probably had important news.He should answer the phone.But he couldn’t bring himself to.He just sat there, sobs catching in his throat.He couldn't breathe.His eyes were so glossed over with tears that he could hardly see the room in front of him, he could barely make out the spot that Castiel had been standing just seconds ago with the most peaceful smile on his face.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Castiel, Destiel
Kudos: 51





	The Depths of Despair

**Author's Note:**

> Dean's POV after Cas' death. 
> 
> Tw: Suicidal thoughts

Dean could feel the vibrations of Sam’s calls through the floor, they’d stop for a second and then restart. He should answer it, he should really answer it. Sam was probably worried he’d died, he probably had important news. 

He should answer the phone. 

But he couldn’t bring himself to. 

He just sat there, sobs catching in his throat. 

He couldn't breathe. 

His eyes were so glossed over with tears that he could hardly see the room in front of him, he could barely make out the spot that Castiel had been standing just seconds ago with the most peaceful smile on his face.

Castiel’s words were ringing in his head, bouncing from wall to wall as he tried to make sense of them, to untangle the influx of information he’d just gotten, the confession his best friend had just laid out to him. 

He should have said it back, but for some reason his mouth hadn’t been working properly; disbelief had been controlling him. Every word out of Cas’ mouth had seemed impossible, an angel of the lord, telling him that he was worth something, that he was the reason that Cas had cared, that he was  _ loved _ ; it was all too much. 

Chuck’s words came back to him, that moment in the bunker hallway when God himself had told them that Castiel,  _ his  _ Castiel, hadn’t been like the Castiel’s on other worlds, that this Castiel had defied it all, had broken ranks because he  _ cared _ , had refused to do what he was told; and now Dean knew that it was all because of him.

The realization that Cas wasn’t coming back this time hit him so hard that it knocked the breath from his lungs. He gasped for air, trying to suck in the reality of the situation, but all that managed to do was make it harder to breathe. 

He trembled and sobbed while his phone still buzzed on the floor beside him. It was too loud, and he reached for it blindly before throwing it across the room, it hit the opposite wall with a crack and the room fell silent. Sam would come back to the bunker eventually, his calls meant he was alive and that was all that mattered to Dean. 

Cas on the other hand…

Cas was dead. 

That realization sat heavy in his stomach, it choked his airway, causing a trembling gasp to rip itself from his mouth. 

Dean wanted to join him. He wanted to follow him into the empty, spend eternity locked away in a dark void. 

He wanted to give up.

They were fighting a losing battle against  _ God _ . How could he have possibly thought they could win? He should give in, he should stop pushing back so hard and let Chuck end this world along with the rest. 

Without Cas there was no point. 

If Chuck wouldn’t just kill him, then maybe he’d take matters into his own hands. He could feel his gun, pressed between his back and the wall, it was a quick reach away. He could end it all here and now. The handle of his gun was so tempting, pushed up against the small of his back, everything in him wanted to yank it from his belt, to load it and pull the trigger.

But one thing stopped him... 

Sam.

Sam would come back eventually, he’d find Dean like this and he couldn’t bear that thought. He’d never know what happened, never know where Cas went, he couldn’t leave Sam like that. 

No, maybe once Sam got here and he explained what happened then he’d do it. He’d go for a drive to the middle of nowhere, park Baby one last time, look up at the sky as it shifted above him, and put his gun to his head. 

He was so tired of fighting, he’d been fighting his whole life and it had become too much. Cas’ words sprang to life in his head. 

_ You fought for this whole world _ .

More tears leaked from his eyes and he choked on another sob. It all hurt too much. 

Cas had  _ loved  _ him. Cas had  _ died  _ for him. What was he supposed to do now? How was he supposed to carry on when Cas didn’t even know he loved him back?

He didn’t know that Dean had spent years trying to come to terms with the fact that he was in love with an angel. He didn’t know that he’d tried to convince himself for so long that he couldn’t possibly love Cas like that, that they were best friends. 

But then there were the stolen glances, the soft touches, the quiet smiles, and Dean’s heart would do somersaults in his chest whenever those blue eyes connected with his. Dean had operated on the mindset that Cas  _ couldn’t _ love him back, that there was no chance for them to have something more, but that hadn’t been true. 

Cas loved him. 

_ Cas loved him.  _

It still wasn’t fully computing in his brain. In the moment, Cas’ words had been just that, words. He hadn’t registered anything that was going on, only that something bad was about to happen, that Cas was preparing to take drastic measures to save him.

But now, as he sat against the wall, still trying to find air, he heard every word Cas had spoken. 

_ I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be, what my true happiness could even look like, I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have.  _

Did he mean what Dean thought he meant? 

_ But I think I know, I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having, it’s in just being, it’s in just saying it. _

Cas hadn’t needed Dean to reciprocate. Dean had thought that maybe if he didn’t say it back, maybe he wouldn’t sacrifice himself; he shouldn’t have been so naive. 

_ I know, I know, how you see yourself Dean, you see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You’re destructive and you're angry and you're broken, your- your daddy’s blunt instrument and you think that hate, anger, that’s what drives you, that’s who you are, it’s not. And everyone who knows you, sees it.  _

Dean couldn’t bring himself to believe those words. Everyone who knew him knew he was nothing more than a shattered, angry, alcoholic, who broke everything and everyone he touched. 

_ Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love, you fought for this whole world -for love, that is who you are. You’re the most caring man on earth, you are the most selfless loving human being, I will ever know.  _

Dean had underestimated Cas. Cas was able to read him like an open book. He only ever wanted those he cared about to be safe, and it didn’t matter the cost. 

_ You know ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of hell, knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you, I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack. But I cared about the whole world, because of you. You changed me dean. _

Cas had no business telling him that he was the reason that he cared about the world. That without Dean he wouldn’t have made the choices he had, the choices that Dean now knew were made out of love. 

More tears streamed down his face and he sniffed, trying to get his emotions under control, but he couldn’t. He was consumed by the pit of sorrow that was growing in his stomach which seemed to do nothing but eat away at everything that would allow his body to function. 

He could do nothing but sit against that wall, sinking deeper and deeper into despair, replaying Cas’ confession in his head, wondering if it was possible to die from pure heartbreak. The longer he sat there, the more convinced he grew that it was indeed possible and that if he just gave it time he wouldn’t even have to use the gun.

Without Cas, Dean didn’t know if he could continue. The fight had left his body as soon as Cas had been dragged away by the empty. He couldn’t bring himself to fight for Sam, or Jack, or himself, or even the world. He was done fighting for it all, there was no point anymore. 

No point to anything. 

Not without Cas. 

So he sat there, chest constricting, tears uncontrollably falling from his eyes, waiting for Sam to find him before it was too late.


End file.
